Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.
When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs.
Up until two days ago, I had never heard of Carlton Mellick III and his work. That all changed when my Facebook wall was bombarded by countless posts about his book, The Haunted Vagina. I'll admit, the title drew me in, the cover hooked me, and after going back and forth in the comments section of one of those posts, I just HAD to check this book out.
When I first made my way to the book's Amazon page, I noticed two things; first, the book is 100 pages long and second, the cost for the Kindle version was $5. Personally, I think that's a bit steep for the number of pages and considering I don't know this author. Had it been a Dakota Cassidy book, I wouldn't have hesitated to buy it, but this was not the case.
Still, I was very intrigued, so I sampled the first page. After reading that one page, and laughing at the absurdity of what I was reading, I 1-clicked that sucka! It was on! I decided, because so many people were talking about the book, but no one was actually buying it, that I would do a tweet by tweet account of my experience as I read my copy - something I have never done before, but felt this was the perfect book to do it with. (And can I just say that I have never been retweeted as much as when I did this.)
Thus began my strange and unusual journey into the mind of Carlton Mellick. Bizarre doesn't even begin to describe The Haunted Vagina. It is a twisted tale of a bitch of a girl named Stacey and her spineless boyfriend Steve, who gets coerced into entering Stacey's vagina after an odd oral sex session ends up with a full grown skeleton coming OUT of Stacey's vagina.
The details are what make this book great. The play by play of Steve getting stripped, shaved, lubed, and then inserted into Stacey was morbidly fascinating - those were my favorite parts, whenever something came in or out of Stacey. The other world that's inside Stacey - with skeletons, and anime-demon-looking girls, is so vividly written; it's strange yet beautiful at the same time.
During my conversations on Facebook, many people expressed concern that this book was going to be misogynistic. Now, I'm not overly sensitive to those kinds of things, but because so many people mentioned it, I was more aware while reading than I normally would be. Personally, I don't think the story was misogynistic. There was a particular part where some people might feel that way, but the only reason why I picked up on it was because we talked about misogyny. Otherwise I wouldn't have really noticed - I wasn't offended by any of it. If anything, I would say the story as a whole is more misandrogynistic.
But like I said, I'm not overly sensitive and have nothing negative to say about The Haunted Vagina. I found it to be very creative, unusual, morbid, funny as fuck, and just about the best thing I've ever read. Definitely worth the $5. The only thing that would make The Haunted Vagina better, is if they turned it into a movie. But not produced the way movies are produced nowadays. It would have to be done in the style of an 80's B horror movie complete with music, lighting, and special effects from that decade. And no editing or altering of the manuscript - it needs to be done as is! That would be the most amazing thing in the entire world.
Tweet by Tweet account of The Haunted Vagina:
- I don't blame you buddy, I'd be scared too...then again, I do like the macabre so I may not be so scared.
- How do u not notice your GF's vagina is haunted? Were they hiding? Lulling you into a false sense of security?
- Next time someone is near a vagina, can ya tell me if it's like listening to the ocean? Thanks!
- "How did a ghost get in there?" Right? How does one get accustomed to wailing coming from your lady parts?
- “What’s a priest going to do? Stick a cross up there and cast the spirits out?” Sounds like a porn I once saw...
- There's nothing sexier than a crusty lower lip.
- "I didn’t even consider leaving her because of her ghost vagina." Now THAT'S love!
- Consumed by her? Oh, not yet, buddy. Not yet. But you will be!
- She thought you were cute and SMALL? She was sizing you up from the beginning!
- Kinda mean. He can't be in her band & the weird things she does that he finds cute, she finds annoying in him.
- "She's the best person in the world to be around when she's happy." Oh uh...
- Why can't she just blow him? Unless her mouth is haunted too...
- Only the vagina is haunted, people. Her asshole is ghost-free!
- Yeah, I'd imagine you'd be scared of giving her oral...
- ...she calls her clit "glowworm" - Does it glow in the dark?
- What a wackadoodle! She's making fish faces at him while they 69!? *snorts* I think her brain is also haunted.
- and you're just as weird for getting turned on by her fish face!!!
- Earthquake!? Look out, she's gonna erupt!
- Oh shit, they know his name!
- Whoa, and he's still going at it. The things Steve does for love...
- Thriller is playing in the background while I read this LOL.
- Fuuuck - is her stomach gonna rip open!? You guys are that sex deprived that you don't stop to investigate?
- OHMIGOD A HAND JUST EXPLODED OUT OF HER VAGINA!!!
- They need to make this into a movie!
- Finally, you're afraid of your own vagina! And it only took a skeleton coming out of you to instill fear.
- ...is it cold in there?
- I wouldn't be surprised of that skeleton turned out to be one of her ex boyfriends that fell in.
- What is he supposed to do!? Just finish giving birth to that damn skeleton, woman!
- "I pick up a turtle-shaped lamp & hit the skeleton with it." - Guess that's something u could do. Not much help...
- Sure hope mixing your blood with the corpse doesn't result in something.
- OH it's growing flesh now. Yeah, blood does that to skeletons trying to scurry out of haunted vaginas.
- and here comes the organs...
- OMG - she had an imaginary friend at 6 that would come out of her vagina! Betcha it was that skeleton.
- Aww poor Stacey, her haunted vagina scared away her first love! (*snorts*)
- Whoa! She's fisting herself!!!
- Bitch, I ain't looking inside ur vagina where a full grown skeleton came out a few hours earlier!
- Of course you can't say no to her. Gawd, Steve, can you be any more spineless?
- What, suddenly you're not scared of her vagina?
- Don't think regular sex with Stacey is gonna work anymore. Better buy some BIG insertion toys
- "The more I drink, the more retarded I become." Uh, yeah Steve. YEAH!
- Don't do it, man! You don't wanna go in there!
- If you love me, you'll climb inside my vagina.
- WHO will climb inside, Steve? No one else would do it! Things are climbing OUT not IN!
- How do you know nothing's gonna happen to him? Have your had other boyfriends climb inside your vagina before?
- Duh, Steve - you can't go inside with your clothes on. Everyone knows THAT.
- Why are you taking your clothes off, Stacey? You're not going in with him.
- Am I the only 1 that thinks this is a trick & she's just feeding her BFs 2 her vagina? Surefire way 2 serial kill.
- “What if I suffocate? What if you stop being stretchy once I’m in there?” - Legit concerns.
- "It's going to happen whether you like it or not." - Uh, I don't think u can FORCE someone to climb inside ur pussy.
- You seriously just cut off all his hair? And you let her!? DUDE!
- I really just wanna pop this crazy chick in the mouth!
- HOLY SHIT!!!
- ...whoa... :-O O_o
- LMAO! Human penis! BAHAHAHAHA!
- "Maybe it leads to another vagina. Maybe this is a tunnel between dimensions connected by two women’s vaginas." - How great is this book?
- He sees sky!
- There's termites in there!? Guess I shouldn't be surprised, after all, there's a SKY in there.
- Gawd, this popcorn bag is harder to open than Stacey's vagina.
- She put pants on!!! Why!? Cuz she's trying to trap him in her vagina!!!
- Why da fuck are you driving, bitch!? You know your BF crawled inside your damn vagina! He's bound to come out!
- We're calling it "the womb world"
- Oh sure, just walk on the skeleton residue like it's nothing.
- She wants him to go back inside! I hope one of the "supplies" she bought was a damn ladder!
- ROFLMAO! She wants to assemble a team of people that'll go INSIDE HER VAGINA!!!! I can't with this book!
- This is like a perverse sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
- "What, are you going to invite some spelunkers over and spread your legs for them." - Apparently...
- "I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight." This is the funniest shit I've ever read in my entire life!
- "Not in my vagina. In my womb." Oh, well ok then!
- Masturbation can kill in The Haunted Vagina.
- Haha, Steve just peed on a tree inside her womb. *snorts* (why do I find that so funny? I have no clue, but I do!)
- Sure those trees look normal enough, but they're inside your GF's womb. Just saying...
- Steve, take a selfie!
- Is that table supposed to be made out of one of Stacey's eggs?
- It's a latex-skinned anime character that lives inside Stacey.
- Anime girl's name is Fig and she has no nipples.
- Oh shit, what's she gonna do to him?
- Whaaaat? I don't even know what I'm reading anymore! But it's freaking fantastic!
- Things just got weird...err...weirder than they already were.
- Dude, I think you're reaching.
- Whoa, now he hates a bunch of things about Stacey...way to change your tune, buddy.
- This is so bizarre...
- This turned into one weird ass love story between Fig and Steve.
- Finished! That was the most hysterically bizarre thing I have EVER read. It was amazing!
The Haunted Vagina - my first book by Carlton Mellick III but definitely NOT my last!